I'll never judge people again.

What a tough lesson to learn. I must have been very bad at judging people for it to have taken what it has for me to learn not to. I seriously thought of myself as a relatively good person, and a fairly good mother up to this point. In trying to keep my family as together as possible, I have only succeeded in ruining everything. I'll not bore you with the details. We'll just go with this is by far the worst week in my life. I have never before been so far down that I truly wished for death. Unfortunately I doubt I will be that lucky. This life is a test... I understand that. Does God love me? yes, I know he does... he is a parent to me just as I am to my children, and the pain and anguish I feel for the suffering of my child is horrendous. I just am not equipped at this moment to handle any more. I will pray.... I will have faith that all is not lost... but the lure to draw within myself and hide is almost too much to pass up. Today I think sanity is by far overrated, and not really something I care much about. I long to be medicated and locked in a room where the only accusing face around me is my own. Where other people's opinions of me are to far away to see. Where i could sleep and hide away in a drug induced stupor. But that life is not mine... my life will continue, and I will relive all my pain daily until I can manage it and lock it away as best I can. I have learned that trusting ANYONE without knowing more is a HUGE mistake, and one I will not make again. And trusting myself is just as big of a risk. God will help me... I know. I just have to find it within myself to let Him, and trust in Him. I will spend most of my day in prayer as I go through the motions of my life. I will have hope to make it through this day and not hurt anyone further. I will pray that the part of me that really feels and cares will someday come back. That i will once again find joy in just being... but that right now seems so far away and unreachable I almost without hope. Lord forgive me, and Lord help us all.