I'll never judge people again.

What a tough lesson to learn. I must have been very bad at judging people for it to have taken what it has for me to learn not to. I seriously thought of myself as a relatively good person, and a fairly good mother up to this point. In trying to keep my family as together as possible, I have only succeeded in ruining everything. I'll not bore you with the details. We'll just go with this is by far the worst week in my life. I have never before been so far down that I truly wished for death. Unfortunately I doubt I will be that lucky. This life is a test... I understand that. Does God love me? yes, I know he does... he is a parent to me just as I am to my children, and the pain and anguish I feel for the suffering of my child is horrendous. I just am not equipped at this moment to handle any more. I will pray.... I will have faith that all is not lost... but the lure to draw within myself and hide is almost too much to pass up. Today I think sanity is by far overrated, and not really something I care much about. I long to be medicated and locked in a room where the only accusing face around me is my own. Where other people's opinions of me are to far away to see. Where i could sleep and hide away in a drug induced stupor. But that life is not mine... my life will continue, and I will relive all my pain daily until I can manage it and lock it away as best I can. I have learned that trusting ANYONE without knowing more is a HUGE mistake, and one I will not make again. And trusting myself is just as big of a risk. God will help me... I know. I just have to find it within myself to let Him, and trust in Him. I will spend most of my day in prayer as I go through the motions of my life. I will have hope to make it through this day and not hurt anyone further. I will pray that the part of me that really feels and cares will someday come back. That i will once again find joy in just being... but that right now seems so far away and unreachable I almost without hope. Lord forgive me, and Lord help us all.

My sanity saver!

I never would have equated a job in Primary as a sanity saver. Boy have I been in for a lesson.... I love my primary class! The kids are so much smarter than me, and I am learning so much! Today is swim party day for my kids and those in my class.... looks like a beautiful day for a swim. Quick story... one of the girls in my class drew a picture and brought it to me one day. I carried it around all day cuddled safe in my arms and next to my heart. When I got home, I showed it to my family, and set it on the table. Only then did I see what was on the back..... It was a mail ad... bless people who use blank sides of paper for scratch paper.... for pornography addiction! I'd carried it all through the church with that side out! Too Funny!!!!

When it rains it pours...

Off to court in the morning... things are moving along... why does it not feel any better? It always seems like once things are on an even keel, it comes a downpour. I just hope one day the sun will come out, and I'll be able to quit feeling like a whiner. I think I've lost my ability to smile. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Whew, and not such a fairy tale.

So far so good... with the outcome of a cheap pregnancy test and a negative result, I think I can breathe. Of course, the further along this goes, the more information I am finding out. Most of which is TOO MUCH INFORMATION! I'm not old enough to be a grandma dang it, and Magpie is so not responsible enough to be somebody's mother. You know, as I look back on my life... I remember being her age and thinking that once I met my prince charming.... life would be beautiful, birds would sing, angels would smile, and we would live happily ever after. Boy, does life have a way of shoving that up your nose and laughing at you. Little did I know that my "prince charming" was already married, and had a son. Thus "the brothers". Magpie has a half brother a year and a half older than her, and one that is six months younger. It led to an absentee father until she turned 14, which of course was when all hell broke loose in our home. She turned 15 a few weeks after leaving my home. I've endured over a year of constant aching for my oldest child..... and while trying to help her, protect the rest of my family from her. Not such a fairy tale is it? Most days I can find humor in alot of things... but today is not such a day. The sun is out, the hubby is working, and my little ones are outside... but I just want to close the blinds and lock the door, and sit in the corner and cry. I miss my mother... I wish I could speak to my parents and get a little comfort and guidance. I know they're doing all they can to help me... but it's just not the same as a hug, or an I love you. I just pray that they watch over her the best they can... Heavenly Father, please watch over her too. Well, I have been paged... I have others to worry about, which is what keeps me out from under the covers all day.

Wow, What do you do with this?

Everyday is such a treat. I'm going to launch into this post by jumping straight in. How do you deal with a 16 year old that tells you she might just be with child.... Karma has a way of biting one's self in the backside. My poor parents. Keep your fingers crossed that it is not true, and pray for the best outcome are my options for the day. I have to tell you a shotgun and a roll of electrical tape also come to mind. Having never met this daughter stealing, young, YOUNG man, I must say I am not inclined to be merciful. However, I guess since I haven't known where she was for about 3 weeks, maybe I need to just be greatful that she is safe, and away from said offender for the moment. I had wonderful parents, and they loved me unconditionally. I just hope that she knows it is the same for me.... as I am locking her in the closet for the next 14 years.

Mormonism fiction facts

I have been out of the state of Utah a time or two... It is amazing to me the beliefs about Mormons that are still out there. Good entertainment for us on the inside looking out. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Mormons don't eat meat. Really? Where did that come from? This from a friend in California. I thought that's where all the vegetarians lived and everybody surfs and lives in houses about to be eaten by mudslides, burned by wildfires, or shaken into the ocean by earthquakes! My parents both grew up on farms.... we ate meat, potatoes, and corn. Seriously. We put ketchup on
EVERYTHING! My brother is the only person I know who wanted to put an industrial sized ketchup dispenser on his wall. Our family will panic if there's not at least 2 bottles of ketchup in our food storage. In fact, the brothers have been known to refuse dinner if there's no ketchup present. 2. Mormons are all polygamists. Okay, I can see where this comes from. I have seen polygamists, and I tell you what.... Those women are smart. There's always an excuse for something hanging around. Think about it... You're grumpy, it can always be someone else's fault because they had PMS and made you grumpy. I didn't get my housework done, one of the kids were sick... can you imagine how fast something contagious would go around? I can't go to work... I have tooooooo many kids! I had to go buy new clothes!!!! Everyone else's are clean but mine, there's so much laundry! Ah.... not tonight honey, go ask the neighbor. 3. Black people are not allowed in our churches. Hello? Gladys Knight! 'nuff said. 4. Mormons all have huge families. Well... Look at the Osmonds... Large famous family... incredibly talented... (I saw them once when I was in first grade... awesome performance that day I must say)... Thank heavens they were financially able to support themselves. We are proficient in naming all of our children with names that begin with the same letter. Guilty as charged with that one. Fertility was one thing I was blessed with. I managed to have 2 precious bundles with a man that was told he couldn't have any. Who knew???? 5. Mormons have webbed toes. Um... yes. That's why we were advised in General Conference not to wear flip flops to church a few years back. People find it disturbing. Makes for good swimming however. 6. Mormons HATE gay and lesbian people. Really. I happen to feel that we are all given agency to make choices in this life. I am not God... it is not my place to judge you for the choices that you make. I ask for the same courtesy and tolerance from others. 7. Mormonism is a cult. Yup. It's the additives in the green Jell-o and funeral potatoes. Brain washing additives. If you are not a Mormon, don't attempt to eat them! If loving our families is cultish activities.... sign me up for dancing under the harvest moon in my skivvies! All we want is to be together forever with those we love... and with Elvis. My mother promised to save us a seat near him. Now I'll give you a chance to process this wealth of information, and will post more fabul9ous fiction facts in another post.

What?????

Yeah, so back to the evicted thing. It's bad enough that you yourself are a crazy Mamma. But dealing with the landlord's crazy mamma is beyond my call of duty. As of an hour ago, the landlord said he did not know his mother was coming by, and it was not to evict us, but to ask us to move instead? REALLY? There's a difference? Nothing 2 months rent won't fix. Oh well, at least we'll be a month ahead. Do normal people have these issues? According to my 16 year old I am not normal. Most occasions I am fine with that. I laugh in the face of normality. I mean, who wants to be like everyone else? I have found as I age that most people are only surface normal anyway.... under the water their feet are going like mad. (Deep inside I am a closet normality seeker. Don't tell anyone!) It must be nice to stay at home with your children and be a wonderful mom. Maybe in my next life!

Seriously??????

Well, today's exciting news? We're being evicted. Whoever screwed up our economy... I hope you're happy. Any ideas on how to really fast come up with first and last months rent? Really... I don't think I signed up for all this crap. At one time in my life I would have looked at me and thought that I seriously must have screwed up somewhere in life to have been alotted so much in a short two years! Sad thing is, Cupcake has a lawsuit that should be over in July. We were hoping to use it for a down payment on this house. 6 weeks... how quickly life can change in a matter of minutes. Good News: Puddles promises my husband that when he dies she will "drag him home and take care of him"... when I started to laugh, she said to me in all the wisdom of her 4 years," Do you know how hard it is to drag an old man home?" Then very solemnly, she promised me that "when you die I will piggyback you home and take care of you". I still haven't found out if she's going to carry me, or use my dead body to be piggybacked upon, lol. Might make good fodder for the compost pile.... maybe. Heaven knows there's enough of me to fodder! Really Heavenly Father, when you promised mot to give me more than I could handle, did I really say "Oh, no, that's ok, even when I've hit the more than I could handle button, could you pile on a little more?" I think I've hit the panic button... You can stop anytime now please.

Utility Bills???? Blech!

Has life and utility bills ever gotten you down? This week we have had our gas shut off. Thank heavens it's summer time. Really who needs hot water to take a shower or wash dishes? There's nothing like washing your hair and getting a head rush! I for one don't particularly care if it gets turned on again before it snows. The pioneers lived without hot running water, right? What doesn't kill me will make me stronger. We just have to start the bath water an hour and a half before bath time so that we have time to heat water on the stove... no problem. Gas Company!!!! I'm on strike! Any ideas on how to make a shower for Cupcake? He is not spry enough to hop in and out of the tub... hmmmm.... wonder what I could do with some surgical tubing and a sprinkler head. Maybe just a trip to the car wash... he he he... now that would be some entertainment. If i video tape it, I could put it on Utube! Maybe sell tickets.... popcorn... oh, yeah, and some of those flashing handheld dealeys you can buy at walmart! I know... I'm sure everyone would like to buy a t-shirt. Life in the world in my mind is so much fun!

Did I really just have to do that????

Honestly, I really never thought that at ages 6 and 4, I would have to tell Bella and Puddles that they needed to wait for mommy before they gave each other tattoos! And to make it even more ironic, they got them from the primary president! I love it... I found that rather funny. I mean I've had this chat with my 16 year old... have you ever seen a tattoo on an old person? They just look like a big ink blotch. (I actually have a weird tattoo fascination, but never intend to let my children know this.) My father would come back and haunt me for the rest of forever! Seriously, I watch too much TV. You know on those crime shows, how the family has to go and identify a body? How would your mother feel if they told her you had a tattoo, and she said no, it wasn't you because you didn't have any? This train of thought is what happens when you get no sleep. I have way too much time to contemplate such issues.

An Explanation

My first post. I hope to be honest and forthright in my posting... if I offend anyone, I am very sorry. I find no matter how terrible life can be, a little humor makes it easier to get through. I hope to share my experiences and trials in life to help others get through their own private hell. We all have our own demons to fight.
This last year and a half has been particularly hard for me. I lost my oldest daughter through a horrific chain of events. She's 16 and has vowed never to speak to me again. My heart is in a constant mode of breaking. I am trying to do what I think is best for her, and in my heart i know it is the right decision, but getting my head to understand that is a whole different matter. I'm in a permanent state of second guessing my every decision. It is one of those situations where you sit back and you look at it, and wonder..... How in the heck did this happen? How did it get to this point? I love her so much.... Magpie, you're in my heart, thoughts, and prayers daily. Please take every opportunity you are given, and use it to better yourself, and make your Mammy and Papa proud of you. Heavenly Father, Mom and Dad, please watch over her and keep her safe.... help her where I cannot. I miss you, and your sisters feel your separation horribly.
I also lost both of my parents last year to cancer. That was a real kick in the backside. A nightmare for me. As the youngest, I was blessed to spend a lot of time with them.... which I will cherish forever. My mother accepted her death with alarming tidiness. By the time her death came, she had written her own obituary, made plans with her favorite funeral director, and made sure my dad had new pants for the funeral. She had the funeral planned, and had talked to those she wanted to speak. That woman is amazing. I find at times that all I want is my mommy. Seriously, I'm 38 years old.... I just want to crawl into bed with her and snuggle. I'd give anything for a 5 minute conversation, and a kiss on her soft cheek.
My father was a pillar of the community, and so did not deserve all of the fun we made of him. Our family has a sick sense of humor, and for some reason we found silliness in the events of death. So sorry Pop. Please take into account that none of us make fun of people we don't love. I'm really sorry that I made the sisters take me to the Dollar store to buy Christmas ornaments and you passed away while we were gone. I whined and cheated them out of the experience. And you hated Christmas. I have to tell you, it's not as much fun for me anymore either. I miss you, and I even miss hearing frustration and disappointment in your voice at my own stupidity. I will be forever greatful for the example you have set for my husband, Cupcake. His desire to become a priesthood holder and ability to bless our family gives me great hope. Please watch over my Magpie. Your faith and examples are great.
In the last year as well, we've had to take out bankruptcy, lost a vehicle, and gotten to know the rest of the police department on a first name basis. Thank you to my friends there, for honoring Pop... and for helping us out with our mess of a life. I have been blessed with a primary position.... The little ones are so much smarter than me! I am learning so much from them. My friends, thank you for all that you do! I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.
My husband... if you had only known what you were getting yourself into! I have no idea why you chose me, or chose to keep me. I am so greatful for our children. For your compassion and care for those who are less fortunate. For your desire to advance in your beliefs and abilities. For your ability to forgive... and your capacity to still give to those who have hurt you. You drive me crazy.... but I love you anyway.